A Day of Remembering

My thoughts were filled with memories of my Nathan today.

I was listening to music on my computer today and came across one of the songs that was played at his funeral.

I bumped into an old acquaintance at the gym this afternoon who asked about my children and their ages. I mentioned our son, Nathan, who would have turned seven this month.

We were at the toy store this evening, looking for birthday presents for Anna. I picked up a personalized child's cup and saw Nathan's name.

January is always a difficult month. Especially for Andrew. Tonight at bedtime, he came out of his room in tears, telling us how much he had been thinking about Nathan today. My eyes welled up and I told him I had been remembering him, too. He cried and cried, telling us that if he could have anything in the whole world, he would just want his brother back for the rest of his life. Anna looked concerned and ran over to hug Andrew, saying, "It's okay, Andrew. It's okay." She rubbed his back when we had family prayer time tonight and hugged him extra tight.

I do think of our Nathan often. I think of how warm and soft his chubby little cheeks were. I think of his soft, strawberry blonde curls that I kept running my fingers through, over and over. I think of how very much he looked like my dad, and wonder what he would have looked like now, as a seven year-old.

I long for my child. I long to hold him again, to press him to my face, to snuggle him close and tell him how much I love him. I want to see his eyes look up at me and hear him say, "Mommy." I want to hold his little hands and kiss his little cheeks and sing to him.

I know I will see my sweet son again someday when my life here is over and my eternal life in heaven begins. I don't know if he will be the same sweet baby I held for such a short time, or if he will be completely different. I will only cling to the promises God has given me in His Word and know that someday we will all be together once again.

I love to listen to the song "Held" by Natalie Grant.

This is what it means to be held,
How it feels
When the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive

This is what it means to be loved
And to know
That the promise was when everything fell,
We'd be held.

I feel God holding us still. I feel Him reminding us that this life is but a temporary one and that our hope is not in this world, but in heaven with Him, where there is no sickness or sadness or tears.